• Nicki Marie

The Unknown

Updated: Apr 21, 2020

Before we dive in, I need to apologize. After reading this back a day later, I realize how all over the place this reads. However, I didn’t let myself change it because it definitely reflects what The Unknown experience has been for me…. a bit all over the place. So I’m sorry for how all over the place this may be for you AND here we go….

The unknown. I know it so, so well. Fear, excitement, confusion, newness, and an abundance of other emotions ring through the soul. What’s next? Who’s next? Where’s next? Question upon question grip the mind. And for me, every single time brought promises that were never fulfilled and broken within nearly a year's time. It became so out of control to the point where I could no longer remember them all. I had no clue who I was or where I belonged. I couldn’t even define what family and friends meant or who that included. I moved so much that I just couldn’t keep up. So I counted. One day, I counted.











I counted every time I occupied a new space.






Every time I had to explore a new surrounding.







Every time I was introduced to a new group of people.






Every-time I had to adjust to a new “home;”And this was just living spaces! I didn’t dare include churches, groups, or schools. Plus, I could never seem to figure out if this was my fault, the devil’s fault, my mother’s fault, my father’s fault, the church’s fault, the state’s fault, the school’s fault, girl scout’s fault, society’s fault, or even God’s fault….. So, why the heck am I so scared this time? If I am so used to the unknown and things changing, what’s stopping me???

I don’t know about you but I talk to myself; Ask questions, and answer them! LOL

As Mr. Brown says, “I said, ‘Self.’

Myself said, ‘Hmm?

`What's the problem?

Here’s what I’ve come up with so far……

I’m tired of new! I hear people talk about a new song, a new sound, a new life, a new diet, a new workout, new business, new, new, new, new, new…….. But very few people have the foundation of something old to even build upon. I was craving something old. Not old in years but something that had depth, time, consistency, and stability. The last time life started to show some promise of stability, let’s say a good five years under the belt, it was ripped right from under me. I had minimal support from the relationships I thought were stable and here was another unknown. EVERYTHING was unknown. Of course life has challenges, but that unknown was three years ago. Life seems to be mellowing out a little, just a little, and I think I’m afraid of the chaos again. Afraid of the scrapping for shelter, work, connection, etc. Afraid of what I could lose.

This week, there isn’t a that was then and this is now ending. I promised to always be raw, so this month, I am choosing to write about my now. I am going to challenge myself to tackle the areas where fear of the unknown has gripped the most. That includes diving into those that was then moments to push myself in my now! PLUS, there is STILL so much to say about that creepy looking tree in this picture. And hopefully it’ll all come together!

~Nicki Marie

Challenge: What is unknown to you? Is it a new job? A new opportunity? A new connection? Or even a new consistency or stability? Take a few moments this week to say "Self," and reflect on your own relationship with the unknown.